​Reader,​

Have you ever watched a train wreck in motion and thought to yourself, This cannot possibly get any worse? And then it does!

I was in a group space this past week. The facilitator was lovely – asking good questions, listening and being really mindful of what each person was bringing to the table.

It was my turn. I was stretched a bit thin and voiced that – deflated from some business data I had been reviewing, still trying to wrap my mind around it.

Life had also been life-ing over the past few weeks, so my capacity for friction was a bit lower than usual, as well. I knew that when I went into the call, so I made a choice to look at something that would stretch me less.

I got done with being coached and one of the participants asked if they could give some advice. I was about to say no, (I knew I wasn’t in the mind space for more people’s opinions) when they launched into it without my permission.

When I say they hit every single trigger point imaginable, I mean it. For a solid number of minutes, I was told what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do, think, change, and how to show up to “fix” my problem.

It was the most tone deaf thing I’d experienced in a long while. This was the first time I’d met this person and they definitely didn’t know me or my business at all.

It was clear they were trying to be helpful, but it was actually really hurtful. And it was a bit of a shock. I haven’t been in a space where that’s happened in a really, really long time. I got off the call upset, frustrated and deflated.

I had forgotten how quickly things can go sideways when people aren’t educated on how to be in community.

I’ve spent years in equity-centered training to create spaces that reduce this very type of harm. It’s a lot of behind-the-scenes work that no one ever sees, but it’s the kind of work that makes a huge difference when you’re diving into deep, vulnerable spaces with a group of people who may or may not know each other well.

And being on the wrong end of it this week, reminded me about how important that work is.

So I thought I’d share just a few of the things I do differently, that keep the type of thing I just experienced to a minimum.

Community Agreements. I see community rules all over the place, but I like to go beyond telling people what they can’t do and instead help them understand what we all want more of. Agreements allow people to lean into ways of connecting with others that are healthy and supportive. They also give really clear things to refer back to if conflict arises.

We kick off every call with a 1-5 check-in. In every live call, I ask you to do a self check-in and see where you’re at on a scale of 1-5. Then drop the number in the comments. This helps you know how far you can nudge yourself and it helps me understand your capacity at the moment. Not every class or space needs to be pushing us to the very edge. 1-5 helps me meet you where you are.

I ask a lot of questions – there’s a reason for it. I believe that you are the expert in your own life. You know you, your intentions, and your circumstances better than anyone else. Rather than immediately telling you what to do, I ask questions. They help me understand where you’re coming from, what you’ve tried, what you're focused on, what you wish would change. They also help you get clearer on what needs looking at.

I check-in a lot. I pause for questions in sessions and classes to make sure things are landing. I explicitly invite people to disagree or push back. I create space for people to share their own wisdom. Checking-in frequently helps everyone stay tuned into any shifts or developments and gives permission to change or stop what’s unfolding.

I ask for consent – and I make sure that everyone in my groups knows they need to as well. I make it really clear that we don’t give advice or thoughts on anything unless we’re directly asked and we’ve been given a clear yes. It can feel a bit awkward at first because I think our culture has trained us to “have the answers” and “be helpful.” But I find at the end of the day most people just want to be supported by being seen and heard – not told what to do.

Are my spaces perfect? Nope. Do we have conflict or slip ups? 100%.

But I know how to navigate them with confidence and have a plan for when conflict, miscommunications or over-helpfulness comes into play.

I would love to hear more about your experiences in group spaces:

• What did you love?
• What made you think absolutely not?
• And what do you wish more people would address or change about them?

Hit reply and share with me. I think the more we talk about this kind of thing, the more we can change to make shared spaces stronger or more connected.

P.S. TL;DR: A good group space isn’t just about what’s being taught. It’s also about how people are invited to participate, how consent is handled, how much capacity people have, and whether everyone understands how to be in community together. This week, I experienced what happens when that isn’t present. Spoiler Alert: It left me in tears.